You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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