A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
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And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.