Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
