woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
