Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
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my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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