My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
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the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
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I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?