Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
