yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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