She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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