Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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