I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
