I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Randomize
