I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
