Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
God I need to hump something, right now.
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