i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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