I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
