Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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