She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
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I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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