she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
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Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
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Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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