WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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