Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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