So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
