i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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