Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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