It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
