I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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