Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
