and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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