I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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