One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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