So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
