I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
