Your dad touched me again.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
