The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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