Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
