I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
