do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
