Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
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U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
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Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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