My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
