sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
