why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Four minutes until I can fart!
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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