we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
