It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
