I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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