she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
