i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
