Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
