mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
