and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
