dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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