textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
