i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize