There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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