How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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