Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
