Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
