Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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