Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
