He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
