The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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