woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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