I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
